


strong in the real way

by eruthiel



Category: The Monster Hunters (Podcast)
Genre: 1970s, Angst, Character Study, Daddy Issues, Episode: S01E04 The Hour of the Witch, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-26
Updated: 2015-10-26
Packaged: 2018-04-28 06:12:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5080738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eruthiel/pseuds/eruthiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are other things he wants to be, things he can't even visualise properly. But it's something to do with Lorrimer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	strong in the real way

**Author's Note:**

> since I'm not locking this down, I wanna clarify first that all my MH fic is set in a world with no Rule Of Funny, where all the human elements are a bit darker and a bit closer to reality.
> 
> okay so: [title from here!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFctQMCs3k4) this isn't really properly shippy, I feel like I have to skirt around it and think about the psychology a bit more before I get down to the good stuff, if that makes sense? but yeah, smol plotless Roy-centric stew of feelings. (describes both me and the ficlet ohhhhh)

It's easy to look at the man – thundering through obstacles with a quip and a wink – and forget that he's the same person as the little boy who used to get the shit kicked out of him at home. Occasionally at school, too, though less so after he learned to strike first. (He was good at history, for his first year, until he got better at not being a ponce, and he hasn't touched a book since.)

There's no definitive point where the snivelling stopped and the swagger replaced it forever; they grow into each other. So he still hears his father's voice sometimes, still tries to appease it. He tells himself it's a good thing, a built-in coach, pushing him to improve. He'll never be enough, but he can't afford to give up when there are lives on the line.

One life in particular. After spending his childhood pummelling little Lorrimers in the playground, keeping the nerd alive is now Roy's main job. Not that he minds – it's one thing he's good at, which is gratifying, and somebody's got to do it. Lorrimer attracts enough trouble for ten normal people, but he's only half-way capable of dealing with it, and the other half is where Roy comes in.

Sometimes Lorrimer turns to him, pale and giddy after another brush with death, and "thank you" sounds more like a blessing, and the weight of expectation is lifted for a while. He's strong enough for this, at least.

That night in the church, something that Roy hadn't even noticed changes into something he can't articulate. Lousy with failure and Octavia's sobs, beset with the shakes after a day in a cell with nothing to drink, he thinks about what his death will mean to Lorrimer and Sir Maxwell. They'll need someone to replace him. Roy is momentarily filled with jealousy towards this hypothetical usurper, but it's not enough to spur him to escape. He also wonders briefly whether Virginia will come to his funeral, but by the time he realises she'll probably get all of his money regardless, the situation has progressed and he is being untied.

He remembers little after that. What happens to Lilith, when and why Octavia leaves; the outline of the battle is distant and grey. In the foreground, one image shines clearly.

Lorrimer is facing Hell, which is a brilliant black light. His solitary silhouette is wisp-thin and tiny before the tower of demon and woman bearing down on him. He stands up straight and steady as a brick wall between two worlds; between darkness and his niece, his species. He is not a strong man. He is something much more worthwhile.

What with one thing and another, Roy can't be sure if that's what he really saw. But that's how it lives in his mind, and it often comes back to him uninvited, especially when he's in withdrawal.

He still thinks in terms inherited from his father, still stretches towards impossible goals he's been carrying for decades, still feels gaps opening up inside when he fails to reach them. But it's complicated now. There are other things he wants to be, things he can't even visualise properly, but it's something to do with Lorrimer and maybe also with hugging him tightly and keeping him safe forever. It's something to do with that little boy who used to beat up clever kids – spotting weakness, and getting hit with the dual impulse to punish or protect it.

It's less to do with _I am_ and more to do with _we must_. It's less to do with _I will destroy you_ and more to do with _you will not destroy him_.

**Author's Note:**

> this grew out of 1) the image of Lorrimer facing Hazal-Lilith, which always takes my breath away and 2) Well Done Son Guy + Bodyguard Crush = me in a puddle on the floor. sorry it's so messy, I haven't slept and it just poured out of me suddenly, but I hope you like! feedback always makes my day! <3


End file.
